blog about homesickness :(

I think that I’m finally homesick. I miss Pakistan way more than has ever been normally possible for me and I have decided to let go of my ambitious plans to stay here for summer term and get ahead on everything and everyone and instead to go back home and sort things out. It is weird though, given the ever present ominous cloud of instability, that I would miss home as much as I do now. Though I am unsure about what I am doing I am by no means having long crying or depressive spells, nor have I lost appetite or sleep. And my current class load and homework are the only things causing me stress.

Amidst the load of classes especially calculus 3, keeping up with friends and the weird weather pattern which is btw never constant the happy/busy veil lifted and all I want to do is go home and sleep in my own bed and play with my dog. I don’t remember a time that I have ever been homesick.

The good part is that I am beginning to perk up again and eventually it will, though not completely, go away.  I found it helpful to stay in touch with my friends. It definitely helps when they keep updating me about stuff that goes on in their lives. It helps to know that they miss me too as it boosts my ego infinitely 😀

I make my parents call me at least 3 times every week. I am too lazy to get a calling card so I just email my dad to call me and they do. I like talking to my mom especially as she 1) loves gossiping even more than I do and 2) keeps me updated about everything and never misses even a single detail. She also doesn’t care how long the call goes or how much it costs her to call me and never hangs up until I tell her to.

I think that the second semester is hard even more so as finally everyone kind of gets used to everything that’s going around them. You no longer have to worry about managing stuff or making new friends. Attending events becomes secondary as you get an idea of how they are going to be, so now you have more time to think about the past. It is also a phase where you realize that this is it and now you would be here for the next 3-4 years depending on the course and level of study and that there is possibly no going back to the way life previously was. I think that the acceptance that things are going to be different now is a major part of maturing and coming to terms with your future.

I would like to stress that homesickness is not a weakness and that everyone goes through it. However the real strength of character is coping with it. I strongly recommend talking to someone. I talked my roommate about my feelings and talking helped because it finally brought on the barrage of tears. BTW when I was finally done crying it made me feel better.

College is a completely different deal. It’s not like high school, high school was easy, my major aim there was get grades and get into college. Now my aims have drastically changed, though a major one is still getting good grades, I have multiple goals now. It no more about just succeeding, but getting as much out of this exposure/experience as an international student. Even though I miss home I like the independence that college gave me. I do things the way I want to do them and how I want to do them, I am independent, but at the same time I know that the people I love back home are safe and happy. I think that that is the best part of being here.

I am not letting things drive me crazy and I decided to take one step at a time and mostly to go with the flow.

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